title: today is emo day
date: Monday, January 11, 2010
time:8:27 AM
the day started pretty normal, with me snoozing my iphone and sleeping an additonal 9 minutes before it started beeping again. my alarm tone is "fireflies" and despite how soothing it is, hearing it ring repeatedly just gets really annoying. anw, finally crawled out of bed at 8am, and with lectures starting at 9, not really a feasible timing. took a shower, changed, and got into my car at 840am, and guess what. turns out Ngee Ann Poly was having its joint admissions exercise today, resulting in a massive jam along clementi road. i believe they should make a right turning into Ngee Ann, instead of having a U turn at maju camp! it just clogs up the already very busy 3 lane clementi road into a 2 laned one! i wish the LTA would do something about this..
well was late for the biostats lecture, a very impt lecture especially for me since im heading data analysis. i cant be clueless about data analysis.. which despite the rather interesting story about how Fischer came up with significant value of p<0.05, im still relatively foggy about it. foggy is probably the best word at present. the 2nd lecture was just as confounding. and the briefing about cofm pros, was at best, mediocre.
had CHP meeting, got the questionnaires distributed. headed for lunch with ruizhi and jiayan, who were going to play badminton after. i wanted to play badminton, but i thought perhaps i had to do fieldwork, and i thought the CHP meeting would drag, but it didnt. and fieldwork got cancelled due to unforseen circumstance, and so i didnt bring anything to play badminton with and in the end i left when my com started to die. i also couldnt connect to the NUSOPEN wifi network, cos my NUSNET password expired, and i had no way to change it without internet. wow. convenient. and i had to send some emails asap, but i couldnt! so i left. dont think anybody noticed. until like they finished playing badminton. nobody smsed/msned/called to ask me whats up, or whats bothering me, or why i left without telling them.
somehow i got really depressed when i got home, so i jumped into the shower, and blasted hot water. and then i went to take a nap. the dreams i had during the nap were not fun, not exhilarating, just more dreary and dreadful. perhaps it is not best to take a nap to forget your troubles.
i dont deal well with stress. i dont eat as much, i dont have the energy, i sleep late, cos i get worried and get insomnia, leading to the fact that i cant wake up in the morning and the cycle continues. my mood gets worse, i see everyone as out to get me, and i cant see past little things. i expect everyone to be like me, and live up to my expectations, when i know that my saner self would see that this is impossible. i dont know what to do right now, i want to be alone, yet i dont want to be.
personally, i dont think i can last being alone. i am an emotionally dependent person. and sensitive. i need someone to listen to my troubles, to hear my thoughts, to give me advice and ideas. im not much of a leader, im not dominant like i appear to be, im actually perhaps a bit cliche, more vulnerable than most ppl think. yet, despite making this known multiple times, some ppl just dont see it, and they cant respond the way i want them to. friendships, seem at times such mere ties of convenience, going out just to get some new blouse or shoes, or catch a movie, so shallow. sometimes, i just want to go to a park and sit on the grass and talk. about the trees about the sun, about how pretty the sky looks during sunset. about what i feel, about what i want to do, about whats dragging down my heart. about the guy i like who doesnt treat me like i exist, etc.
i guess blogs are for people who have no one who truly understand what they feel. i dont think i have found someone human who understands me, but at least i have God in my life. everytime im in church and during worship, somehow, i feel empowered and i feel like i can survive in the world the coming week, i feel like i can do it on my own and pull through. i think its cos God makes me feel significant and how everything i worry about is just so stupid and minute in comparison to his greater plan. when we worry about how we'll buy our first house, get married and have children.. theres really no point.
i dont know about tomorrow,
i just live from day to day,
i dont borrow from the sunshine,
as the skies may fade to grey.
i dont worry o'er the future,
for i know what Jesus said.
and today i'll walk beside Him,
for He knows what is ahead.
-cheryl~*
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